Gumtastic is a section on Gumtree where people list their favourite Gumtree ads with sometimes weird sometimes hilarious consequences. Here are some of the best:
“Its been growing for a while, but its almost the same size as my ass now, and has to go. I’m willing to sell this for Xmas, it may come in handy for any wannabe jolly fat men in red suits. On the other hand they might already have one, but hey, you can never have enough. I’m willing to include one of my spare tyres and the excess cellulite everywhere for the right price. Please help. I’ve just turned 40 and if this gets worse I wont make 50.”
It’s all well and good to sell a double chin but:
a) What if it grows back? It could be an evil clingy bully of a double chin that has the magical ability to grow back overnight.
b) What if other people with double chins realise that there’s money to be made and flood the market – wouldn’t that drive prices down?
c) We haven’t even thought about triple-chinners – once they step into the chin market, that’s it – 3 chins for the price of 2 – it would well and truly spell the end of the double-chin market.
d) once Simon Cowell gets his hands on the business potential of a triple-chin threat, no-one – and I mean no-one – stands a chance at all!
2) Swine Flue…
“I have 2 doses of Swine Flue 1 male & 1 female They are about 6 weeks old and will be ready for breeding at 8 weeks old
They must be kept in a warm draught free room.And under no circumstances be exposed to Tamiflue.The young flue pigletswill be ready to leave there parents in Oct 09.
They can then be spread amongst your friends or given free to noisy nieghbours
I was told this pair are pedigree mexican flue viruses although they may have been crossed with the californian strain
Please not I cannot accept returns”
This ad is possibly a comedic attempt to disable the fear-driven, over-the-top, unbalanced media coverage on the disease.
Someone’s giving away 2 doses of male and female swine ‘flue’ (which strain is more persistent? The male or female one?) – with the advice that it can be “given free to noisy neighbours”.
To be kept in a warm draught free room. Returns not accepted.
“I have been informed by two seperate girls within the past 12 months that i am a lousy kisser. This saddens me, especially seeing as im 28, and always thought i wasnt too bad a kisser.
I want to become a good kisser. A Passionate kisser. The sort of kisser who will make people say to ME ‘wow you are such a lovely kisser-i must learn to kiss like you’.
What i am proposing is that i take kissing lessons off someone. Yes i know i can just go to bars/clubs and get drunken snogs. But thats not the same. I want lessons. I want to try things out, and see what works.Be told EXACTLY what im doing wrong, and what im doing right. Being told what feels nice and what doesnt.
I am honestly only looking for kissing tutoring and nothing else. This isnt some sneeky way of getting a one night stand or casual sex or anything.
What can i offer in return? Maybe a nice meal out in london, friendship, or magic/piano lessons?
I have no idea if i will get any responses to this message, but i guess its always worth a try.
Looking forward to hearing from any potential ‘teachers’.”
Pray tell, how can someone be on the lookout for a kissing tutor and not be “looking for anything else whatsoever”? (as said person points out in their ad)
Yeah. Right. Stop trying to pull the wool mate!
Saying that, I reckon he still got lots of responses.
(p.s.: Seeing as he didn’t make it clear what kind of tutor he wants, I’m presuming he doesn’t mind if the tutor’s male, female or Pete Burns)
“This Is A Serious Advert!
Hi there,
We are Irelands premier funeral clown company. why not book a clown for a loved one.
We come fully prepared.
Costs as Follows. Extra Charges Outside of Dublin.
Clown For The Funeral Home. €150.00
Clown For The Grave. €150.00
Clown For The Home Wake. €150.00
If you Book any single service…….Each additional service will cost Just €50.00…..
We Bring Squirting Flowers, We Make Baloon Animals…….We can even fall into the grave if you want us too.
Let your loved one go down with a smile.”
Now, reading the ad’s title, this would initially appear to be a joke. But after reading through it, it might not be.
“Ireland’s premier funeral clown company” – erm, so that means there are loads of funeral clown companies in Ireland, then?
Hmm.
Definitely an acquired taste. Either way, these clowns appear to be making a killing (pardon the pun) at 150 Euros a pop.
5) Grandma, We Love You, But Eeeeeeeew….
“free to good home sit them in your window in a cup or under your pillow cause the tooth fairy might just come and give you a couple of penny’s?
If you would like to have them then Just e-mail me
Thay are my granny’s but she got a new pair”
This has got to be a joke, surely. This person appeared to be looking for a good home for his/her granny’s false teeth. How generous of them.
Imagine the person who actually takes them up on their offer (and doesn’t use them as suggested in the ad).
(P.S. the ad sounds a bit ‘Little Britain’, don’t you think?)
“I have had this pencil for a while and now I want to pass it on to a good home…
It’s a really good pencil (with no eraser, though a talented carpenter could maybe apply one). I feel like this pencil’s time has come, it is a mature pencil with a wise outlook on life, it could benefit someone who needs to write that quick (yet profound) post it note to stick to the fridge.
It could also be used to press those small reset buttons you find on tiny clocks or standby buttons on electronic keyboards from the late 80’s. Anyhow, let me know if you’re interested…”
What, you’re giving away your one really good pencil? You should be ashamed of yourself, thing of all the angst-ridden accountants you are upsetting. How can you treat your pencil like that. Shame on you. Shame.
Not only did you give the poor thing away, you gave it away without so much as an eraser to fend for itself. WHAT KIND OF HUMAN BEING ARE YOU?
You’ll live to regret this one, mate. Big mistake. Huge. Monumental.
7) Lost Half-Empty Walkers Crisp Packet…
“Lost in the area of Covent Garden, on or about 14th March 2009. Partly empty packet of Walkers Salt and Vinegar Crisps (25g size).
Although not my favourite flavour, the packet itself is of great sentimental value and any information leading to its return (with or without contents) would be much appreciated.
No Gibbon is believed to be involved in the loss of the crisps. Picture for illustration purposes only.
Thank you.”
Dear Person (who I suspect is really Gary Linekar),
I can empathise with the pain of losing a half-empty pack of crisps. I too have been there. And it hurts. So so much.
(hold up while I take a breather. The pain can be overwhelming at times. Right, I’m back.)
Don’t lose hope. If it helps, nick someone else’s half pack of crisps and make a run for it.
